


Merlin's Parodies

by Bennie_Ryan (Amy_Winchester)



Series: The Significance of Music [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Pining, Poor Merlin, Song Lyrics, Song Parody, Songfic, Well - Freeform, a few chapters were written instead of sleeping, almost forgot about that, and there's lost of it, but they don't know it's mutual, do these qualify as
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-16 00:46:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 9,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11817690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amy_Winchester/pseuds/Bennie_Ryan
Summary: The other parodies that Merlin sang and why they were written





	1. Prologue

“Where do I even start?” Merlin had asked.

“You could always try the beginning,” had been Izzy’s answer.


	2. Time of Your Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You don’t remember me. Why would I want to be around you?_
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" by Green Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When this is done, I may post Izzy and Arthur writing his version of Everywhere. Let me know if you want to see that.

 

Merlin was furious. He’d been knocked on his arse by some moron who wasn’t paying attention to where they were going, his scarf probably had grass stains, and he had already had a horrible day. Merlin was ready to tell the idiot off, maybe hex them when their back was turned, when three short sentences turned his blood to ice.

“Oh, god, I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. Are you alright?”

Merlin found himself looking into a pair eyes that he had almost forgotten had been such a bright shade of blue. A pair of eyes he hadn’t seem in far too long.

This must have been why he had gotten the intense urge to enroll in University again, it was destiny taking back control of his life.

Arthur was here.

“Are you alright, mate?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

A hand was offered and Merlin numbly let the blonde man pull him to his feet. “I’m Arthur, by the way. Arthur King.”

He didn’t know? He didn’t remember? _Why the bloody hell was he back without his memories?_

“Merlin Emrys.”

“Oh, it looks like you’ve got a stain on your scarf.” Arthur pointed at the green patch on the blue fabric. Merlin huffed. Of course it was stained. “Listen, I was just heading over to the pub to meet some friends. I could get you a drink? Make it up to you?”

_You don’t remember me. Why would I want to be around you?_

“Sure. Sounds good.”

As the two of them made their way to the pub, Merlin had to do his best not to flash back or think of Camelot. He glanced at Arthur while the other man wasn’t paying attention. Arthur, Merlin’s Arthur, had been taken from him so suddenly. If this man really was the reincarnation of the Once and Future King, Merlin was going to do everything in his power to make up for his failure to save Arthur Pendragon.

* * *

 

> _Back at a turning point, a fork stuck in the road_
> 
> _Time grabs me by the wrist, and tells me where to go_
> 
> _I’ll make the best of this test, and won't ask why_
> 
> _Is this a question, or a lesson learned in time?_

 

> _It was something unpredictable,_
> 
> _But in the end, I’ll make it right_
> 
> _I hope you had the time of your life._

 

> _I keep mental photographs and still frames in my mind_
> 
> _Hang ‘em on a shelf in good health and good time_
> 
> _Tattoos of memories and strangers still on trial_
> 
> _For what it's worth, you were worth all the while._

 

> _It was something unpredictable,_
> 
> _But in the end, I’ll make it right_
> 
> _I hope you had the time of your life._

 

> _It was something unpredictable,_
> 
> _But in the end I’ll make this right_
> 
> _I hope you had the time of your life._

 

> _It was something unpredictable,_
> 
> _But in the end, I swear I’ll make this right_
> 
> _I hope you had the time of your life._


	3. I'm With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Merlin had probably finally gone senile._
> 
> Song for this chapter is "I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne

As Merlin stood, brooding, on the bridge at night in the pouring rain, he couldn’t help but berate himself for being such a bloody cliché. And yet, there he was, angsting over that bloody law student, Arthur King.

He couldn’t be Merlin’s Arthur. Merlin’s Arthur was supposed to know who he was. Their eyes would’ve met and Arthur would’ve instantly remembered or some other sort of totally not romantic cliché. If he was Merlin’s Arthur, Merlin wouldn’t be lost and alone, waiting for the blonde clotpole to take his hand and tell him everything was going to be alright.

But until he was absolutely sure Arthur King wasn’t Arthur Pendragon, it couldn’t hurt to stick around. Could it?

Yes, it could. Because it physically hurt to look him in the eyes and not know. Merlin spent half the time he was with Arthur King or any of his friends searching their faces for a tiny glimmer of recognition and never found any. Occasionally, he would catch Izzy watching him when she thought he wasn’t paying attention, but that was just a coincidence surely. She didn’t remember. She never did until he told her. Until then, he’d have to suck it up and deal with being alone like he had every other time he lost her.

Izzy was definitely Isabene, but Arthur _can’t be_ him. There was no way that _Arthur King_ and _Arthur Pendragon_ were the same person.

Merlin had probably finally gone senile.

Or maybe it _could_ be him.

He should probably stick around, just in case.

No, he should definitely stick around. If it was him, it wouldn’t do to have Arthur thinking Merlin had abandoned him. After all, he was always at Arthur’s side.

* * *

 

> _I'm standing on the bridge_
> 
> _I'm waiting in the dark_
> 
> _I thought that you'd be back by now_
> 
> _There's nothing but the rain_
> 
> _No footsteps on the ground_
> 
> _I'm listening but there's no sound_

 

> _Why aren’t you trying to find me?_
> 
> _Won't you come and please take me home?_

 

> _It's a damn cold night_
> 
> _Trying to figure out this life_
> 
> _Won't you take me by the hand?_
> 
> _Take me somewhere new_
> 
> _Not quite sure who you are_
> 
> _But I’ll stand with you_
> 
> _I’ll stand with you_

 

> _I'm looking for a place_
> 
> _I'm searching for a face_
> 
> _Is this the you I know_
> 
> _'Cause nothing has gone right_
> 
> _And everything's a mess_
> 
> _And I’m getting sick of being alone_

 

> _Why aren’t you trying to find me?_
> 
> _Won't you come and please take me home?_

 

> _It's a damn cold night_
> 
> _Trying to figure out this life_
> 
> _Won't you take me by the hand?_
> 
> _Take me somewhere new_
> 
> _Not quite sure who you are_
> 
> _But I’ll stand with you_
> 
> _I’ll stand with you_

 

> _Oh why is everything so confusing_
> 
> _Maybe I've finally lost my mind_
> 
> _Yeah-he-yaa, yeah-he-yah, yeah-he-yah, yeah-he-yah, yeah!_

 

> _It's a damn cold night_
> 
> _Trying to figure out this life_
> 
> _Won't you take me by the hand?_
> 
> _Take me somewhere new_
> 
> _Not quite sure who you are_
> 
> _But I’ll stand with you_
> 
> _I’ll stand with you_

 

> _Take me by the hand_
> 
> _Take me somewhere new_
> 
> _Might know who you are_
> 
> _So I… I’m with you_

> _Always with you_

 

> _Take me by the hand_
> 
> _Take me somewhere new_
> 
> _Think I know who you are_
> 
> _So I... I'm with you_
> 
> _Always with you_

 

> _I'm with you..._


	4. You and Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Just thinking about it gave him a headache._
> 
> Song for this Chapter is "You and Me" by Lifehouse

Whatever Izzy was going to say when she found out, Merlin was not spying on them. And, either way, it was really Arthur’s fault that he ended up in this situation in the first place. Merlin was still getting used to the world moving at a normal pace and time not passing slower than a snail. If Gavin or Izzy had been the one to invite him to lunch, Merlin probably wouldn’t have automatically declined and he would be sitting with the three of them instead of sitting alone, four tables over, spying on them.

Merlin inability to speak properly or think straight around Arthur King since accepting that he really was the reincarnation of his old friend was really starting to become a problem.

He had to refrain from bashing his head against the wall when Izzy, Arthur, and Gavin were joined by Gwen, Lance, and Percy. He should’ve just stayed home after turning down the invitation instead of giving in to his incessant need to keep Arthur in his sight almost twenty four/seven. Not-spying on the group was not helping.

There was always something off about the way that Merlin’s friends interacted and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. It was likely the fact that everything they did, everything Arthur did, was far too _modern_ for them to be the people Merlin had known in Camelot. But at the same time, everything they did, everything Arthur did, made complete sense to Merlin because they would react the same way they would’ve back then. Just… modernized.

Just thinking about it gave him a headache.

 _One thing is for sure_ , Merlin thought as he watched a grin light up Arthur King’s face, _they are_ so _alive._

Merlin put down the menu he was hiding behind, and forced himself to leave the restaurant.

* * *

  

> _What day is it? And in what month?_
> 
> _This world never seemed so alive_
> 
> _I can't keep up, but I won’t back down_
> 
> _I've lost way too much time_

  

> _Now it's you and me and all of your people with nothing to do, nothing to lose_
> 
> _And it's you and me and all of your people_
> 
> _Why can’t you see I can't keep my eyes off of you_

  

> _All of the things that I want to say just won’t be worded right_
> 
> _Tripping over my words_
> 
> _You’ve got my head spinning_
> 
> _How do I know where to go from here_

  

> _Now it's you and me and all of your people with nothing to do, nothing to prove_
> 
> _And it's you and me and all of your people_
> 
> _Why can’t you see I can't keep my eyes off of you_

  

> _There’s something about you now_
> 
> _I can't quite figure out_
> 
> _Everything you do is out of place_
> 
> _But everything you do is right_

  

> _Now it's you and me and all of your people with nothing to do, nothing to lose_
> 
> _And it's you and me and all of your people_
> 
> _Why can’t you see I can't keep my eyes off of you_

  

> _And me and all of you people with nothing to do and nothing to prove_
> 
> _And it's you and me and all of your people_
> 
> _Why can’t you see I can't keep my eyes off of you_

 

> _What day is this?_
> 
> _And in what month?_
> 
> _I didn’t expect you to be so alive_


	5. Cable Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But the worst part was that one unanswered question._  
>   
>  Song for this chapter is "Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray

Merlin jerked awake from his nightmare, panting heavily.

It had been the same nightmare. It was always the same nightmare.

The worst part was that it wasn’t even a nightmare, it was a memory. The memory of Arthur dying in his arms playing on a loop had become a nightly occurrence since Merlin met Arthur King. Occasionally, his subconscious would give him a break and remind him of how Gwen had nearly cast him out of Camelot for failing to save the King or how him urging Isabene taking the throne after Gwen and Leon’s deaths had caused the revolt that resulted in the fall of Camelot and the death of the only friend he had left.

But then his subconscious would go back to Arthur dying, and the cycle would start all over again.

Merlin hated that he was becoming desensitized to watching this best friend die and how replaying the memory over and over was just making him want to disappear and leave the Arthur King and his friends behind because what would happen if he was wrong? Or worse, what would happen if he was right and Arthur got his memory back and was nothing like Merlin remembered? What if Merlin had been putting his friend on a pedestal in his mind and once Arthur was Arthur again, he’d cast Merlin aside for good?

But the worst part was that one unanswered question.

After watching the scene play out for the million and tenth time, Merlin started playing attention to the smaller details. That was when he had noticed the look in Arthur’s eyes just before the light faded. It was an odd sort of gleam that had Merlin wondering just who Arthur was thinking about has he died. Was it Gwen? Or was it someone else?

Merlin shook his head and, not for the first time, wished that he had never been Arthur’s manservant. If he wasn’t so attached to the damn King, it wouldn’t hurt this much. It wouldn’t hurt that in the thousands of years that had passed, their story had become so twisted that it was almost unrecognizable. Those stories were all Merlin had left of his life in Camelot, everything else was lost. They were all he had until Arthur Pendragon himself stood in front Merlin and told him that it was time to move on.

The story about him and Arthur that Merlin told himself was all he had until Arthur Pendragon himself stood in front of him and told him exactly who he had been thinking about in those last seconds before he had left Merlin alone for centuries.

* * *

> _ I never knew _
> 
> _ I never knew that everything was falling through _
> 
> _ That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue _
> 
> _ To turn and run when I finally told the truth _
> 
> _ But that's how it had to be _
> 
> _ Now I'm coming down to nothing more than apathy _
> 
> _ I'd rather run the other way than stay and see _
> 
> _ The smoke and who's standing here when it all clears _

 

> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ With eight seconds left in overtime _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _

 

> _ Let's rearrange _
> 
> _ I wish you were a stranger I could disengage _
> 
> _ Just say that we agree and then never change _
> 
> _ Soften a bit until we all could get along _
> 
> _ But that's disregard _
> 
> _ I’ll find another friend when you discard _
> 
> _ Or you lose the argument in the cable car _
> 
> _ Hanging above as the canyon comes between _

 

> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ With eight seconds left in overtime _
> 
> _ Who’s on your mind _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _

 

> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ With eight seconds left in overtime _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _
> 
> _ Who's on your ... _

 

> _ Through the years, we’ve become part of the past _
> 
> _ We are the part that won't last _
> 
> _ I've lost everything, it was effortless _
> 
> _ Without a sound I lost sight of the ground _
> 
> _ In the throw around _
> 
> _ Never thought that I’d want it to come down _
> 
> _ But I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves _

 

> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ With eight seconds left in overtime _
> 
> _ Who’s on your mind _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _

 

> _ I have to know _
> 
> _ Who was on your mind _
> 
> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ I'm in over my head _
> 
> _ I'm over my... _

 

> _ It’s plain to see that I’m in _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ Over my head _
> 
> _ With eight seconds left in overtime _
> 
> _ Who’s on your mind _
> 
> _ Who's on your mind _


	6. Iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If it meant every thought of Arthur King wasn’t followed by ‘shame that this will end too’, Merlin would give anything._
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls

“I just wish he _knew_ ,” Merlin complained.

“You’ve been waiting for almost two thousand years, Merlin,” Izzy reminded him. “A few more months won’t kill you.”

Merlin was one hundred percent certain that he would give up his immortality if it meant he got his Arthur back, memories and all. Merlin was one hundred percent certain he’d give up his magic if it meant he could remember Arthur and Camelot and not have it be overshadowed by the memory of the moment he lost everything. If it meant every thought of Arthur King wasn’t followed by ‘shame that this will end too’, Merlin would give anything.

No one could really understand what it was like, especially not Izzy with her relentless enthusiasm. Nothing in the universe was meant to be everlasting. He just wanted to see actual recognition in Arthur’s eyes before he inevitably shattered into a million pieces like everything else Merlin touched.

Merlin sighed and took a sip of his drink. Izzy was giving him that worried look again. It was identical to the look one of her incarnations from decades ago would given him when she caught him with a knife in his hand and several fresh gashes on his arm. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” she asked innocently. She put her glass down. “Merlin, you can talk to me, you know. I’m probably the only person who’s going to come close to understanding what you’re going through.”

“Why? Because you remember all of the years we’ve been waiting? Or because you’ve boxed yourself into a relationship with Gavin?” Merlin spat. _Bad topic! Dangerous topic!_ Merlin’s brain shouted out him. _Abort mission!_

Izzy narrowed her eyes at him. “Gavin and I are completely different than you and Arthur, Merlin. Unless there was something going on before that you haven’t told me about.”

“Is it really different, thought? How do you do it? How can you be with him knowing that he’s got no clue who you really are? He looks like Gwaine, he acts like Gwaine, he sounds like Gwaine. How do you keep Gwaine and Gavin separate when you cared for him so much, and now he’s here and doesn’t even know?”

Izzy didn’t answer.

“I just want him to know who I am,” Merlin whispered before taking another sip of his drink, “not who I’m pretending to be.”

* * *

  

> _And I'd give up forever to touch you_
> 
> _'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_
> 
> _You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be_
> 
> _And I don't wanna go home right now_

  

> _And all I can taste is that moment_
> 
> _And all I can breathe is your life_
> 
> _When sooner or later it's over_
> 
> _I just don't wanna miss you tonight_

  

> _And I don't want the world to see me_
> 
> _'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_
> 
> _When everything's made to be broken_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_

 

> _And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming_
> 
> _Or the moment of truth in my lies_
> 
> _When everything feels like the movies_
> 
> _Yeah, I bleed just to know I’m alive_

  

> _And I don't want the world to see me_
> 
> _'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_
> 
> _When everything's made to be broken_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_

 

> _And I don't want the world to see me_
> 
> _'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_
> 
> _When everything's made to be broken_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_

 

> _And I don't want the world to see me_
> 
> _'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_
> 
> _When everything's made to be broken_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_

 

> _I just want you to know who I am_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_
> 
> _I just want you to know who I am_


	7. Better Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _But Merlin couldn’t be bitter about that, because he knew that the second Arthur came to him knowing who he was, he would forgive him instantly and things would go back to the way they were before._
> 
>  
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> POTENTIAL TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter kicks off Merlin's alcohol abuse
> 
> So the last episode of Merlin aired on the 24th of December and I’ve made it a personal headcanon that the anniversary of Arthur’s death falls on Christmas Eve so while everyone else in the world is celebrating the holiday, Merlin’s out getting drunk and trying not to remember Arthur dying in his arms.
> 
> Yeah, I'm a horrible person.

It was Christmas Eve and Merlin was alone, wishing he was ten times as drunk as he currently was.

He had almost found it insulting when he realized that the anniversary of Arthur Pendragon’s death ended up being the 24th of December. Everyone else on the planet was having fun and being merry and Merlin was attempting to trigger alcohol induced amnesia just like every other Christmas Eve for the last thousand plus years.

This year, it was worse.

Arthur King had asked Merlin what he wanted for Christmas before leaving for the winter holiday and Merlin had to stop himself from blurting out ‘you’ as a response. Instead, he’d shrugged and said, “Whatever you think I’d like.”

Merlin didn’t want something that Arthur King had bought. And though he had briefly entertained the thought, Merlin didn’t want Arthur King for Christmas either. Merlin just wanted him to remember so things could go back the way they were.

When Arthur had died, Merlin felt like the world had stopped moving, or at least slowed to a crawl. When Merlin met Arthur King, the world went back to it’s normal pace. But that was the whole world, everyone else’s world. Merlin’s world hadn’t moved an inch since Arthur Pendragon took his last breath because Arthur Pendragon was Merlin’s world. Arthur King may be the reincarnation of the Once and Future King, but the dollophead who had asked Merlin was he wanted for Christmas was not Arthur Pendragon.

He was Arthur King, and Arthur King was a very different person.

Even if Arthur King was slowly but surely becoming a rather massive part of Merlin’s world too.

 _“Hold me._ ”

He had never let got.

_“When Albion’s need is greatest, Arthur will rise again.”_

Albion was long gone. Where was Arthur then?

 _“The prophecy states that it’s the Once and Future King and the Warlock Emrys that are supposed to work together to unite all of Albion in a reign of peace, prosperity, and magic._ ”

Because that had worked out so well.

If the world really was in need and Arthur was supposed to save it, he needed a miracle to back him up, not magic. The bloody idiot didn’t even have the faintest idea about his destiny.

But Merlin couldn’t be bitter about that, because he knew that the second Arthur came to him knowing who he was, he would forgive him instantly and things would go back to the way they were before.

“Merlin?”

And Merlin must have succeeded in getting himself properly smashed, because Arthur was supposed to be spending Christmas with Morgan and their father. The Arthur standing in his kitchen was definitely a drunken hallucination.

* * *

 

> _And you ask me what I want this year_
> 
> _And I try to make this kind and clear_
> 
> _Just a chance that we could go back to better days_
> 
> _Cause I don't need boxes wrapped in strings_
> 
> _And designer love and empty things_
> 
> _Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days_

  

> _So take these words_
> 
> _I sing out loud_
> 
> _Cause I swear that you’re forgiven now_
> 
> _Let tonight be the night my world begins again_

 

> _There was someplace simple where we could live_
> 
> _And something only you can give_
> 
> _And that’s faith and trust and peace while we're alive_
> 
> _And the one man who could save this world_
> 
> _Stands alone wondering if he could_
> 
> _We should all just stop and say a prayer for them_

  

> _So take these words_
> 
> _I sing out loud_
> 
> _Cause I swear that you’re forgiven now_
> 
> _Let tonight be the night my world begins again_

 

> _I wish everyone was loved tonight_
> 
> _And somehow stop this endless fight_
> 
> _Just a chance that we could go back to better days_
> 
> _So hear these words_
> 
> _I sing out loud_
> 
> _Cause I swear that you’re forgiven now_
> 
> _Let tonight be the night my world begins again_
> 
> _Let tonight be the night my world begins again_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who read the previous story in the series, after Izzy sends Arthur home the night he remembers, he goes straight to Merlin instead and finds him drunk and half conscious.


	8. Drops of Jupiter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Merlin had a very big problem and that problem was named Arthur King._
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Drops of Jupiter" by Train.

Merlin had a very big problem and that problem was named Arthur King.

Izzy, of course, found the situation hilarious. She laughed until she could breathe and insisted, “You may have convinced everyone else in Camelot, but you weren’t fooling me, Merlin Emrys. I’ve known since the very beginning” which had to have been rubbish, really. She couldn’t have known from the very beginning, _Merlin_ didn’t even know in the very beginning. But he knew now.

Merlin was in love with Arthur and, despite the fact it had been about a year since he bowled him over in the quad, Arthur still didn’t remember who he was.

Which was why Merlin was sitting at a bar, more than halfway to completely incoherent, writing down a list of things that had never really occurred to him before.

Arthur had been dead for centuries. Was Avalon a different dimension?

How exactly was this Arthur different that the one Merlin had first met? Were the differences because he had been dead for centuries?

When he got his memories back, would Arthur be able to remember Avalon? Did he have conscious thoughts while he was dead?

Did he think about Merlin?

Was Avalon Heaven? Was it a good place to be?

Merlin was never going to Heaven. Merlin was never going to die.

Was Heaven worth it?

If Merlin fancied Arthur in Camelot, had Arthur fancied him back? Could Arthur fancy him now?

Merlin was rather broken. Could Arthur fall for someone as broken as Merlin was?

If he could, would that be Heaven?

If Arthur had been to Heaven, wouldn’t he find Merlin boring? Merlin hadn’t been to heaven.

Merlin was never going to go to Heaven. He was too broken, too scared.

Could Arthur fall for someone as broken as Merlin was?

Arthur had been spending quite a bit of time with Gwen since Christmas. Gwen and Lance were back to pretending they weren’t dating.

Was Arthur going to go back to Gwen? Is that what he wanted to do?

Was he spending more time with Gwen because he subconsciously remembered their marriage? Did he subconsciously remember Merlin too?

What would the first memory Arthur would regain be? Would it be one with Merlin?

Merlin was the only person who was always on Arthur’s side. Merlin was the only person Arthur felt he could really trust.

Arthur must have been really stupid. He always said that Merlin was such a bad liar, but Merlin had been lying to his face for years.

Could Arthur love someone who had betrayed him like Merlin had? Their relationship was different by the standards of the time, but not romantic.

Arthur was a King, the best King, the Once and Future King. Merlin was a manservant, and a broken one at that.

Could Arthur fall for someone as broken as Merlin was?

Did Arthur feel as empty as Merlin did, even without the memories? Did he feel like something was missing?

Could Arthur fall for someone as empty as Merlin was?

Merlin thought that he hadn’t shattered to pieces yet, but how many times had he broken down from the intense loneliness he felt even when Isabene was with him?

Could Arthur fall for someone as broken as Merlin was? Could Arthur fix Merlin?

Maybe if he did, Merlin could go to Heaven too.

He wondered if Heaven was worth it.

* * *

 

> _Now that you’re back in the atmosphere_
> 
> _With drops of Jupiter in your hair, hey, hey, hey_
> 
> _You act like summer and walk like rain_
> 
> _Reminds me that I’ve still got to change, hey, hey, hey_
> 
> _Since the return from your stay on the moon_
> 
> _You listen like spring and you talk like June, hey, hey, hey_
> 
> _Hey, hey, hey_

  

> _But tell me, now that you’ve sailed across the sun_
> 
> _And made it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded_
> 
> _Is heaven that overrated?_

 

> _Tell me, could you fall for a shooting star?_
> 
> _One with a permanent scar?_
> 
> _And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?_

 

> _Now that you're back from that soul vacation_
> 
> _Tracing your way through the constellation, hey, hey, hey (mmm)_
> 
> _You check out Mozart while you do tae-bo_
> 
> _Reminds me I’m going to have to grow, hey, hey, hey (yeah)_

 

> _Now that you're back in the atmosphere_
> 
> _I'm afraid that you might think of me as plain ol' me_
> 
> _Told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land_

 

> _But tell me, could the wind sweep you off your feet?_
> 
> _Now that you’ve had the chance to dance along the light of day_
> 
> _And been back to the Milky Way?_
> 
> _And tell me, will Venus blow your mind?_
> 
> _Is this everything you wanted to find?_
> 
> _And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?_

  

> _Can you imagine love, destiny, and chicken?_
> 
> _Your best friend always sticking up for you even when he knows you're wrong_
> 
> _Can you imagine no first dance and no romance, but five-hour conversations?_
> 
> _The best man that they’ve ever seen and me_

  

> _But tell me, could the wind sweep you off your feet_
> 
> _Now that you’ve had the chance to dance along the light of day_
> 
> _And been back toward the Milky Way?_

  

> _And tell me, now that you’ve sailed across the sun_
> 
> _And made it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded_
> 
> _Is heaven all that overrated?_

 

> _And tell me, could you fall for a shooting star?_
> 
> _One with a permanent scar?_
> 
> _And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself?_

 

> _Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na_

 

> _Now that you’ve had the chance to dance along the light of day?_
> 
> _Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na_
> 
> _And could you fall for a shooting star, fall for a shooting star?_
> 
> _Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na_
> 
> _I’ve been lonely with you looking for yourself out there._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you imagine love, destiny, and chicken?  
> "It's destiny, my love. Destiny and chicken."


	9. Welcome to My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I betrayed him every day for ten bloody years!"_
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Welcome to My Life" by Simple Plan

Merlin was replaying bits of the conversation in his head. Which in hindsight was probably a bad idea, because he’s punch the wall after every other sentence.

_It’s like I’m stuck in a life I despise and I can’t get out. I just want to fall to pieces._

Punch.

_It’s like I don’t really fit in here. I wish I could just leave._

Punch.

_I wish I could be someone completely different. I’m sick of being kept in the dark._

Punch.

_I don’t want that mundane existence to be the only one I experience. The world is so fake, no one is sincere._

Punch.

_I just want to be left alone. No one understands what it’s like for me._

Punch.

Punch.

Punch.

Punch, punch, _crack_.

“Bollocks!” Merlin shouted, cradling his injured hand

“I think you’re overreacting,” Izzy said from the doorway.

He glared at her. “Does he even know who he’s talking to? He more or less described my entire life and then says ‘no one understands’? He thinks he knows what it’s like to live through hell? He thinks I don’t know what it’s like to be me?”

“Merlin—”

“Constantly getting injured protecting him! Constantly having the true gravity of the situation withheld! It was just disaster after disaster with not a moment to recover from the last beating! Always a manservant first and a friend second! Always on the verge of a bloody breakdown! Who was going to pick up the pieces if I lost it? You? Gaius? He has no idea what that’s like! I had to live it!”

“ _Merlin_ —”

“And he thinks being lied to is bad? I had lying to his face! My master, my best friend! I betrayed him every day for ten bloody years! And that last year when Arthur thought everything was fine, but it was hell for me! He was a bloody king in his first life and born into a wealthy family in this one! He had his world handed to him on a silver platter!”

“ _Merlin!_ ” Izzy shouted.

He whirled on her. “What, Izzy?”

She held out a hand, expectantly. “You broke a few of your fingers punching the wall. Let me heal them.”

* * *

> _You think you feel like breaking down?_
> 
> _You think you feel out of place?_
> 
> _Like somehow you just don't belong_
> 
> _And no one understands you?_
> 
> _You think you wanna run away?_
> 
> _And you lock yourself in your room_
> 
> _With the radio on turned up so loud_
> 
> _That no one hears you're screaming?_

 

> _You think you know what it's like_
> 
> _When nothing is alright?_
> 
> _You think you know what it's like_
> 
> _To be like me?_

 

> _Always hurt_
> 
> _Always lost_
> 
> _Always left out in the dark_
> 
> _Always kicked when you're down_
> 
> _Always the one to be pushed around_
> 
> _Always on the edge of breaking down_
> 
> _And no one's gonna save you_
> 
> _No, you don't know what that’s like!_
> 
> _Welcome to my life_

 

> _You say you wanna be someone else?_
> 
> _You say you’re sick of feeling so left out?_
> 
> _And that you’re desperate to find something more_
> 
> _Before your life is over?_
> 
> _You say you’re stuck inside a world you hate?_
> 
> _You say you’re sick of everyone around?_
> 
> _With their big fake smiles and stupid lies_
> 
> _While deep inside you're bleeding_

 

> _You think you know what it's like_
> 
> _When nothing is alright?_
> 
> _You think you know what it's like_
> 
> _To be like me?_

 

> _Always hurt_
> 
> _Always lost_
> 
> _Always left out in the dark_
> 
> _Always kicked when you're down_
> 
> _Always the one to be pushed around_
> 
> _Always on the edge of breaking down_
> 
> _And no one's gonna save you_
> 
> _No, you don't know what that’s like!_
> 
> _Welcome to my life_

 

> _I was the one lying to your face_
> 
> _I was the one to stab you in the back_
> 
> _You might think I was happy but you were putting me through hell_
> 
> _Everybody always gave you what you wanted_
> 
> _You never had to work it was always there_
> 
> _You don't know what it's like, what it's like_

 

> _Always hurt_
> 
> _Always lost_
> 
> _Always left out in the dark_
> 
> _Always kicked when you're down_
> 
> _Always the one to be pushed around_
> 
> _Always on the edge of breaking down_
> 
> _And no one's gonna save you_
> 
> _No, you don't know what it's like_

 

> _Always hurt_
> 
> _Always lost_
> 
> _Always left out in the dark_
> 
> _Always kicked when you're down_
> 
> _Always the one to be pushed around_
> 
> _Always on the edge of breaking down_
> 
> _And no one's gonna save you_
> 
> _No, you don't know what that’s like!_
> 
> _Welcome to my life_
> 
> _Welcome to my life_

 

> _Welcome to my life_


	10. Everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“We really need to get you two sorted, Merlin. This isn’t healthy.”_
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Everywhere" by Michelle Branch

Arthur had told her that he and Merlin had made up and moved passed their fight, so at first Izzy wasn’t sure why she had to use her key to get into Merlin’s flat only to find him unconscious on the sofa. She’d have to talk to him about the drinking problem he’d apparently developed since Christmas.

She huffed and went over to the sofa, prepared to drag Merlin to his bed, when she spotted his notebook open on the floor. Upon closer inspection, Izzy realized that he must have just finished writing this parody before passing out. After reading through the lyrics, she sighed and looked at her snoring friend.

“We really need to get you two sorted, Merlin. This isn’t healthy.”

* * *

 

> _It’s all inside out and I can’t see_
> 
> _The part of you that's drifting back to me_
> 
> _Cuz when I wake you’re, you're never there_
> 
> _But when I sleep you're, you're everywhere_
> 
> _You're everywhere_

 

> _Please tell me how I got this far_
> 
> _Just tell me why you're here and who you are_
> 
> _'Cause every time I looked_
> 
> _You were never there_
> 
> _And every time I slept_
> 
> _You were always there_

  

> _You're still everywhere to me_
> 
> _And when I close my eyes it's you I see_
> 
> _You're everything I know_
> 
> _That helps me believe_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_

  

> _I try to forget the way you made me feel_
> 
> _It's hard to think that_
> 
> _It couldn’t have been real_
> 
> _I sense it now, the water's getting deep_
> 
> _Trying to wash the pain away from me_
> 
> _Away from me_

 

> _You're still everywhere to me_
> 
> _And when I close my eyes it's you I see_
> 
> _You're everything I know_
> 
> _That helps me believe_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_

  

> _Won’t be alone_
> 
> _Whoa, oh, oooh, oh_

 

> _I want to touch your hand_
> 
> _And make you understand_
> 
> _The beauty that's within_
> 
> _Can it be now that we begin_
> 
> _You’ve always lit my way_
> 
> _I hoped there would never come a day_
> 
> _That wherever I’d go_
> 
> _I wouldn’t feel you so_

 

> _You're still everywhere to me_
> 
> _And when I close my eyes it's you I see_
> 
> _You're everything I know_
> 
> _That helps me believe_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_

  

> _You're still everywhere to me_
> 
> _I try to catch my breath_
> 
> _And it's you I breathe_
> 
> _You're everything I know_
> 
> _That helps me believe_
> 
> _I won’t be alone_

 

> _You're in everyone I see_
> 
> _So tell me_
> 
> _Will you see me?_


	11. Gone, Gone, Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I stayed your loyal servant long after you died, Arthur._
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Gone, Gone, Gone" by Phillip Phillips

~~Dear Dollophead~~   ~~Clotpole~~ ~~Turnip Head~~ ~~Prat~~

Arthur,

Exactly what did I do wrong? I was always there for you if you needed me. I would’ve done anything to make sure you were okay. I fought with you, I fought for you. It wall all for you. So why am I still unsure if you would've done the same? Hundreds of years have passed since the battle where you died and I still haven’t moved on from you. I stayed your loyal servant long after you died, Arthur. I was always there to catch you when you fell and help you back up. There was nothing that could stop me from doing whatever I could to help you. Sometimes I wish I had told you before that last day. I like to think that, if the situations were reversed, that’s what you would’ve done. Not sure how true that it, but like I said, it’s what I like to think. If the situations were reversed, would you have done the same thing after I died? Would you have lived on, refusing to let go? Would you have promised to stay by my reincarnation’s side no matter what? That was the point of writing this, by the way. To promise that I’ll stay with Arthur King no matter what. You are different, but he is still you. He is still the man I ~~loved~~ ~~love~~ ~~am destined for~~ He is still you. And when he remembers and you come back, we’ll have a whole new life to live and we won’t ever stop. You’ve been gone for so long, Arthur, but I haven’t given up on you yet. I never will. ~~I love you~~

Yours,

Merlin

 

* * *

 

> _When life leaves you high and dry_
> 
> _I'll be right at your side_
> 
> _If you need help, if you need help._
> 
> _I'll shut down the city lights,_
> 
> _I'll lie, cheat, and beg and bribe_
> 
> _To make you well, to make sure you’re well._

 

> _When enemies are at your door_
> 
> _I'll charge with you right into war_
> 
> _If you need help, if you need help._
> 
> _Your hope dangling by a string_
> 
> _I will end your suffering_
> 
> _To make you well, to make sure you’re well._

 

> _Give me reasons to believe_
> 
> _That you would do the same for me._

 

> _‘Cause I would do it for you, for you._
> 
> _Don’t you know I won’t move on_
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone._
> 
> _For you, for you._
> 
> _You will never be alone._
> 
> _Stayed with you long after you were gone_
> 
> _And long after you were gone, gone, gone._

  

> _When you fall like a statue_
> 
> _I'm gon' be there to catch you_
> 
> _Put you on your feet, you on your feet._
> 
> _And if your well is empty_
> 
> _Not a thing will prevent me._
> 
> _Tell me what you need, what do you need?_

 

> _Wish I’d surrendered honestly._
> 
> _You would’ve done the same for me._

 

> _And I’d still do it for you, for you._
> 
> _Don’t you know I won’t move on_
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone._
> 
> _For you, for you._
> 
> _You will never be alone._
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone_
> 
> _And long after you were gone, gone, gone._

 

> _I’ll be your backbone._
> 
> _Be your cornerstone._
> 
> _I’ll be your crutch when your legs stop moving._
> 
> _Get you a head start_
> 
> _‘Cause you're my rugged heart._
> 
> _You're the pulse that I've always needed._
> 
> _Please come back, please don't stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum, don't you ever stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum, don’t you ever stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum I won’t ever stop beating..._

 

> _For you, for you._
> 
> _Don’t you know I won’t move on_
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone._
> 
> _For you, for you._
> 
> _You will never be alone._
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone_
> 
> _For you, for you._
> 
> _I swear, I'm never moving on,_
> 
> _Sayed with you long after you were gone._
> 
> _For you, for you._
> 
> _You won’t ever be alone._
> 
> _Stayed with you long, long after you were gone_

  

> _Like a drum, don't you ever stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum, don’t you ever stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum, don’t you ever stop beating._
> 
> _Like a drum I won’t ever stop beating for you._

 

> _And long after you were gone, gone, gone._
> 
> _Stayed with you long after you were gone, gone, gone._


	12. I Never Told You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Merlin wondered just how many things Arthur had said that he had unconsciously taken to heart._
> 
> Song for this chapter is "I Never Told You" by Colbie Caillat

“Have you ever had a boyfriend, Merlin?”

“Oh, we’re there now?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “It’s just a question, idiot.”

Merlin crossed his arms. “Have you ever had a boyfriend?”

“No.”

Something about Arthur’s voice when he responded made Merlin unsure about the truth of the answer, but he let it slide. “There was a guy I knew a while back. I guess we could’ve been something, but he turned out to be straight and dated a friend of mine.”

Arthur frowned. “Really? He had no idea?”

Merlin shook his head. “No. He liked to think he was good at hiding things from me, but I would’ve known if he knew.”

The blonde furrowed his eyebrows. “Oh. What was he like?”

_I warn you, I've been trained to kill since birth… I believe he's telling the truth… I wish that Camelot was able to help people regardless of how far away they lived… Are you ever going to change, Merlin?_

_You can’t hide anything from me, Merlin… Because nothing can ever happen between us! To admit my feelings, knowing that hurts too much… You really are a complete idiot, aren’t you Merlin?... You have to get out of here, my father has ordered me to arrest you… What if my father is wrong? That not all magic is evil?... Something's been upsetting you, hasn't it?... One thing I tell all my young knights: no man is worth your tears._

_You are_ such _a girls' petticoat… You know, Merlin, you couldn't keep a secret if your life depended on it!... Don't be such a girl, Merlin… Tomorrow when you fight, you can stand proud, knowing you are members of the most noble army the world has ever known._

 _You know, Merlin, you're braver than they give you credit for… This is my fault and I'm sorry… You're a loyal friend, Merlin… You saved me?... I never thought I’d say this, Merlin, but you’re learning…_ _I haven't seen you smile these past three days…_ _Actually, I would. Servants are hard to come by, even the bad ones._

_I don’t want you to change. I want you to always be you… Just, just hold me. Please… Everything you’ve done. I know now… Thank you…_

“I don’t really remember,” Merlin lied. “I just know that he was unlike anyone I had ever met.”

“But you never told him?” Arthur asked.

“No.” Merlin’s voice dropped to a volume that was barely audible. “I should’ve.” They sat in awkward silence until Merlin’s mobile started blasting ‘Stand By You’ by Rachel Platten, Izzy’s ringtone. “I’ve got to…”

Arthur waved a dismissive hand. “Go ahead.”

“Alright, Iz?”

_Nothing can ever happen between us! To admit my feelings, knowing that…  hurts too much_

Merlin wondered just how many things Arthur had said that he had unconsciously taken to heart.

* * *

 

> _I miss those blue eyes_
> 
> _How you were somehow always right_
> 
> _I miss waking you from sleep_
> 
> _Now there's no sunrise_
> 
> _I’ve forgotten your smile_
> 
> _I miss the way you’d tease_

  

> _And I never told you_
> 
> _What I should have said_
> 
> _No, I never told you_
> 
> _I just held it in_

 

> _And now I miss everything about you_
> 
> _I can't believe it, I still want you_
> 
> _After everything we'd been through_
> 
> _I miss everything about you_
> 
> _Without you, whoa..._

 

> _I see your blue eyes_
> 
> _Every time I close mine_
> 
> _You make it hard to see_
> 
> _Don’t know where I belong to_
> 
> _When I'm not around you_
> 
> _It's like I can’t be me_

 

> _And I never told you_
> 
> _What I should have said_
> 
> _No, I never told you_
> 
> _I just held it in_

 

> _And now I miss everything about you (You're still gone)_
> 
> _I can't believe it, I still want you (I'm with you, I never should have walked away)_
> 
> _After everything we'd been through (Don’t know if it's ever gonna come again)_
> 
> _I miss everything about you_
> 
> _Without you, whoa..._

 

> _And I never told you_
> 
> _What I should have said_
> 
> _No I never told you_
> 
> _I just held it in_

 

> _And now I miss everything about you (You're still gone)_
> 
> _Can't believe that I still want you (I'm with you, I never should have walked away)_
> 
> _After all the things we've been through (Don’t know if it's ever gonna come again)_
> 
> _I miss everything about you_
> 
> _Without you, whoa, no, no…_


	13. Move Along

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"Even before I found him again, it was the same memory that haunted me daily. Watching him fall, watching him die."_
> 
> Song for this chapter is "Move Along" by The All-American Rejects

“Take the bloody cuppa, already.”

Merlin blinked, realizing suddenly that he was wrapped in a blanket and Izzy was standing in front of him with what he assumed was a cup of tea. He looked at her, letting his confusion color his face.

“You called me. It sounded like you were in the middle of a panic attack that had morphed into a flashback,” Izzy explained. “Take the tea, Merlin.”

He took the tea.

She sat down in the chair across from him. “You when was the last time you had a panic attack?”

 _Three weeks ago._ Merlin shrugged.

Izzy narrowed her eyes. “When was the last time you had a flashback that wasn’t while you were asleep?”

“You were there,” he responded quietly, “as Isabel Roy.” Merlin took a sip of the tea and refused to look at his friend. He didn’t think he could take the pitying expression he was sure she was wearing.

Izzy stayed silent for almost forty seconds before asking her next question. “What were you seeing?”

“What was I saying?” was his automatic response.

Her frown was practically audible. “Was it Nimueh?” she guessed.

“No.”

“Kilgharrah attacking Camelot?”

“No.”

“Morgana and the Fomorroh?”

“No. Isabene, I know you know. It’s the same thing I’ve been having nightmares about since last year.”

Izzy scowled at him for using her old name, but Merlin had started shaking again and didn’t notice.

“Even before I found him again, it was the same memory that haunted me daily. Watching him fall, watching him die. That was the day I told him, too. He spent most of it believing I had betrayed him. I never told you what it was like in the years you weren’t there. Every morning I had to tell myself that Arthur would be able to make it through the day, so I should be able to as well. Every one of your deaths was followed by a decade and a half of having very little, if any, hope that things would get better.

“I didn’t know it back then, but I was in love with him. I kept telling myself that I couldn’t tell him the truth about me because I didn’t want to make him choose between me and his father or I didn’t want to him to have to make the decision to kill me or let me go. But really, I never told him because I was afraid he wouldn’t love me back and that made it so much worse when he finally knew. He was married then, but he should’ve been mine.

“Now everything is wrong, he’s here but he’s not, and I have to keep pushing myself forward despite everything. I have to fix this, but I can’t.” Merlin looked up at  Izzy. “What am I supposed to do?”

Izzy looked him in the eyes. “I can’t tell you want to do, Merlin. But if you want to make things right, you’ve got to tell him the truth.”

* * *

 

> _I’ve gone ahead and wasted days with thinking_
> 
> _About watching you fall and_
> 
> _Another day and I've had my fill of sinking_
> 
> _Watching the life drain from your_
> 
> _Eyes were closed and cold_
> 
> _You were the one I should’ve told_  

 

> _Please speak to me, when all I had to keep was strong_
> 
> _I’d move along, move along like I know you’d do_
> 
> _And even though my hope was gone_
> 
> _I’d move along, move along just to make it through_
> 
> _Move along_
> 
> _Move along_

 

> _The day came when I lost myself completely_
> 
> _The same night I saw your life end_
> 
> _Such a heart that had lead me to deceiving_
> 
> _Making the pain held in your_
> 
> _Hands were shaking cold_
> 
> _They should’ve been mine to hold_

 

> _Speak to me, when all I had to keep was strong_
> 
> _I’d move along, move along like I know you’d do_
> 
> _And even though my hope was gone_
> 
> _I’d move along, move along just to make it through_
> 
> _Move along_
> 
> _Move along_
> 
> _(Go on, go on, go on, go on)_

 

> _Now that everything is wrong, I’ll move along_
> 
> _(Go on, go on, go on, go on)_
> 
> _Now that everything is wrong, I’ll move along_
> 
> _Along, along, along_  

 

> _Now all I’ve got to keep is strong_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along like I know you’d do_
> 
> _And even though my hope may be gone_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along just to make it through_

 

> _Now all I’ve got to keep is strong_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along like I know you’d do_
> 
> _And even though my hope may be gone_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along just to make it through_

 

> _Now all I’ve got to keep is strong_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along like I know you’d do_
> 
> _And even though my hope may be gone_
> 
> _I’ll move along, move along just to make it through_

 

> _(Go on, go on, go on, go on)_
> 
> _I will right what went wrong_
> 
> _We’ll move along_

 

> _(Go on, go on, go on, go on)_
> 
> _I will right what went wrong_
> 
> _We’ll move along_


	14. How to Save a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“If we could go back, all the way back, and start over. What would you have done differently?”_
> 
> Song for this chapter is "How to Save a Life" by The Fray

Izzy was in full on panic mode. Merlin had to stay strong for her.

“Why aren’t they back yet?” she demanded as she paced. “If they were fine, they’d be back by now.”

“Maybe they just got held up, Iz,” Merlin assured her. He didn’t sound remotely convincing due to the fact he was just as worried as his friend, and she knew that.

“Or maybe they’re two of the still unidentified _corpses_ , Merlin! There was a madman with a bloody _gun_!”

He had to think of a way to distract her. “Would would you have done differently?”

She stared at him like he had lost his mind. “What are you on about?”

“If we could go back, all the way back, and start over,” Merlin clarified. “What would you have done differently?”

Izzy frowned and sat down, actually thinking about it. “Any number of things, I suppose,” she said finally. “I would’ve stopped you from poisoning Morgana when the Knights of Medhir attacked. I would’ve found a way to expose Agravaine earlier. I would’ve made sure Arthur knew Uther’s death wasn’t Dragoon’s fault so that he would legalize magic. I would’ve been more vigilant, worked harder to save Mordred.” She paused. “I would’ve gone with Gwaine and Percival.”

“You would’ve died,” Merlin pointed out.

“Or maybe we would’ve all lived,” she argued. “What would you have done differently?”

He responded without pause. “I would’ve told Arthur about my magic.”

Izzy snorted. “When? Surely not until after Uther’s death.”

“Dunno. At some point before the end.”

“And just how do you think that would’ve worked out?” she snarked.

Merlin was saved from answering by the sound of the door unlocking and Gavin and Arthur coming in. Izzy shot up from the sofa and was instantly at Gavin’s side, fussing over him. Arthur smirked at her babying and went to sit next to Merlin. “It’s like I don’t even exist.”

“He’ll shrug her off eventually and you’ll get your turn,” Merlin chuckled before sobering and looking Arthur over. “You alright?”

“I’m alive.”

 _Now you are_ , Merlin thought as Izzy turned her attention to her foster brother. 

What would he have done differently if he could do it all over? He would’ve have told Arthur about his magic and he would’ve made sure Arthur left that lake alive.

* * *

   


> _Step one, I’d say, "We need to talk."_
> 
> _You’d walk, I’d say, "Please, a moment, it's just a talk."_
> 
> _And smile politely right at you_
> 
> _You’d stare less politely right on through_
> 
> _Some sort of window to your right_
> 
> _As I’d go left and you’d stay right_
> 
> _Between the lines of fear and blame_
> 
> _You’d begin to wonder why I came_

 

> _Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save a life_

    


> _You would swear that you know best_
> 
> _'Cause after all you do know best_
> 
> _I’d try to slip past the defense_
> 
> _Without claiming innocence_
> 
> _And lay down a list of what went wrong_
> 
> _Things I should’ve told you all along_
> 
> _Pray to God, you’d hear me_
> 
> _And I pray to God, you’d hear me_

 

> _And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save your life_

 

> _As you’d begin to raise your voice_
> 
> _I’d lower mine and grant you one last choice_
> 
> _I could leave and not return_
> 
> _Or give you a chance to learn_
> 
> _You would do one of two things_
> 
> _You’d let me go despite everything_
> 
> _Or you’d say that I’m not the same_
> 
> _And you’d ask why I ever came_

   


> _And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save a life_

 

> _And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save your life_

 

> _How to save a life_
> 
> _How to save a life_

   


> _And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save your life_

 

> _And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_
> 
> _Somewhere along in the bitterness_
> 
> _And everything would have stayed just fine_
> 
> _Had I known how to save a life_
> 
> _How to save your life_

   


> _How to save a life_


	15. Epilogue- A Thousand Years

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Izzy Raine was done with pining._
> 
> Song for this chapter is “A Thousand Years Part 2 ft. Steve Kazee” by Christina Perri

It had been a little over a year since Merlin and Arthur had gotten together. Arthur, Morgan, Gwen, Percy, and Leon were approaching their last month of university and the whole group had gotten together to celebrate. It wasn’t at the Rising Sun, but it was karaoke night and none of them had no doubt that when Merlin and Arthur went up to sing a duet, it was going to be a parody anyway.

Izzy leaned her head on Gavin’s shoulder. Almost three whole years had passed since the ten of them had begun spending time together and still Izzy, Arthur, and Merlin were the only ones who knew the truth about their pasts. But she wasn’t particularly bothered, she’d take them any way she could.

Except pining. Izzy Raine was done with pining.

* * *

> _ [Merlin:] _
> 
> The day we met,
> 
> Frozen I held my breath
> 
> Wish I knew from the start
> 
> That I had found a home for my heart...
> 
> ... beats fast
> 
> Colors and promises
> 
> I need to be brave
> 
> But how could I love when I was afraid to fall?
> 
> Now watching you stand alone
> 
> All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

 

> Take one step closer

 

> I had died everyday waiting for you
> 
> Don't you dare be afraid, I have loved you
> 
> For a thousand years
> 
> I'll love you for a thousand more

 

> _ [Arthur:] _
> 
> Time stands still
> 
> Beauty in all he is
> 
> I will be brave
> 
> I will not let anything take away
> 
> What's standing in front of me
> 
> Every breath
> 
> Every hour has led to this

 

> _ [Merthur:] _
> 
> Take one step closer

 

> I had died everyday waiting for you
> 
> Don't you dare be afraid, I have loved you
> 
> For a thousand years
> 
> I'll love you for a thousand more

 

> And all along I believed I would find you
> 
> Time has brought your heart to me
> 
> I have loved you for a thousand years
> 
> I'll love you for a thousand more...

 

> I'll love you for a thousand more...

 

> Take one step closer

 

> _ [Merlin] _
> 
> I have died everyday waiting for you

 

> _ [Arthur] _
> 
> Don't you dare be afraid, I have loved you
> 
> For a thousand years
> 
> I'll love you for a thousand more

 

> _ [Merthur] _
> 
> And all along I believed I would find you
> 
> Time has brought your heart to me
> 
> I have loved you for a thousand years
> 
> I'll love you for a thousand more


End file.
